Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
