I wish they made helmets for livers.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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