i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
