Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
