He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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