can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
