I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
