Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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