Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
