we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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