Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
