I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
