So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
