if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
