i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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