How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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