Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
