God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
