Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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