Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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