Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
