someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
