dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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