At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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