you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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