I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
