I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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