Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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