Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
