When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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