Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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