Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Pooping to opera.
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