Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
