Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
