loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
