dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
