My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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