My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
