And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
