I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
