and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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