Your face is a jimmy john
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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