I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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