God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
