you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
