youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
