I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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