The maid of honor just puked.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
