apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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