i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
