If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Drake has all the answers
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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