the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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