I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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