Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
